Anxiety Attacks. They are unpleasant, unpredictable, and most importantly, inconvenient. They come on at high stakes times— times when the last thing you need is to throw up on yourself and then lose consciousness.
Picture this. You’re in an unfamiliar city, sitting in the air conditioned lobby of a shiny gray office building, waiting to meet your interviewer. Mrs. Carla, the office manager, is sitting across from you at her station. You look up at her and she smiles calmly in your direction; you just met and she told you to have a seat and that Richard would be out soon to get you. Richard, the interviewer, is expecting to walk out into the lobby in about three minutes, find you already waiting there, and receive a confident (firm) handshake. Of course, it would be bad if you were unable to meet these basic, preliminary expectations. Failing at this early stage would be akin to leaving your name blank on a math test. Remarkably unimpressive.
For example. If Richard were to come out of his office and down the hall to find you slumped in your chair, pale and incoherent, he would inevitably consider the possibility that you are wrong for the job. And what if Richard were to approach you? What if he asked you if you were alright and your response was fragmented by instances of vigorous, vocal gagging? This sort of exchange is likely to constitute a negative first impression. Plus, it is especially shameful to gag loudly in a public setting.
Soon after you have a seat in the office lobby you realize: if you were to have an anxiety attack at this moment, you would not recover in time to salvage this professional opportunity. And just like that, you’re in the trenches (so to speak). You are now experiencing that special, tiny moment of dread and frustration, the one that comes right before a full fledged panic episode. And it’s not the unbearable discomfort of your body’s survival response that upsets you. It’s the fact that this is the first interview you’ve landed in months, and you really fucking want to move out of your parents’ house.
So what are you supposed to do when panic strikes? When you lose control over your experience? When you have shit to do but your body won’t let you function? I’m gonna tell you, because I am the Throw Up Queen. And because I didn’t momentarily lose my eyesight while walking across the stage at my college graduation just to keep all the resultant wisdom to myself. In what follows I’m going to break down three tried and true approaches to your own panic, and when to use each one (also, when not to). But first, let’s establish whether or not you, dear reader, are affected by frequent episodes of debilitating panic.
Signs You’re Prone to Crushing Anxiety:
I have some troubling news. Not everyone suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder or a related panic disorder. Some people simply do not encounter their fight or flight response but a few times in their lives. So they are free to speak candidly with figures of authority, visit liquor stores and dispensaries, go to the dentist, and follow through on social plans with ease. Of course, we are happy for them. But unfortunately, we can’t all be at peace; only the luckiest are privileged with the ability to experience ease. Below are a few telltale signs that you are anxious as shit, just like so many other good people.
- You frequently bail on friends at the last minute because you don’t feel like going out.
- As a child you thought that you were haunted.
- You have puked in many restaurant bathrooms.
- Last time you tried to have sober sex with a man you threw up the chicken cutlet he pan-seared for you.
- You have webMD bookmarked.
- You went to office hours four total times in college.
- You do everything high.
- You’re high right now.
- A flight attendant once offered you a blanket in economy class because you were rocking yourself.
Any of this sound familiar? It’s alright; welcome home. I’m your mom now. And like I said, I’m gonna let you in on a secret. There exists a holy balance between ignoring the symptoms of your anxiety, and submitting to the demands of your anxiety. If properly acknowledged, this balance may be your saving grace. There is a time and a place for strength. There is also a time and a place for retreat. Now I am going to walk you through both of these approaches.
Ignoring Your Survival Instincts
I firmly believe that the best way to live life with anxiety is to ignore it. Anxiety is an unreliable narrator. A misinformed perspective. Anxiety told you that you would die if you responded to your old Sunday school teacher’s post on your Facebook timeline. And anxiety has convinced hundreds of thousands of people to risk hit-and-run charges by fleeing the scene of a car accident. So the point is, anxiety is always wrong. It’s lying to you and if you let it make you throw up you are nothing more than your own twisted mind’s #plaything.
You should ignore the symptoms of your anxiety whenever possible. And I don’t mean whenever it feels right. I mean push through the pain because if you don’t, you’ll just faint at softball practice again tomorrow (for example). You have to challenge yourself. And the cool thing is that, the more you push through the panic, the better you get at it. You level up every time you cover new ground while wading through your panic symptoms. As long as the panic maintains the form of sensations, you can treat it as such. Just a feeling that accompanies you on your mission into the great unknown.
Knowing When to Stop:
Now this may be the most crucial lesson to be learned here. Ignoring your body is a great strategy, in some instances. But in others, it can get ugly. It is important to know your limits. And luckily for us living, breathing fuck-ups, our bodies give us clear indications of our limits by shutting down or otherwise failing us when things get too stressful.
Let us return to the example of the interview in the shiny gray office building. You feel the panic setting in. It’s not so easy to ward off anxiety in a high stakes situation such as this one. Nevertheless, you just know this kind of opportunity won’t come around again any time soon. You feel that you absolutely have to pull this off or you’ll leave this city feeling like shit and have to continue blogging from your childhood bedroom for many additional months. So, this seems like a fitting time to push through the pain, right? Wrong. You are starting to feel very light headed. Richard emerges from the hallway and immediately recognizes you from your Linkedin profile. He starts walking toward you, with hand outstretched, introducing himself and inviting you to follow him into a conference room. You stand and take a few steps toward him, determined to give him the firm handshake he needs from you. But halfway through your third step your eyes roll back in your head and you collapse face first into the ground at Richard’s feet. Now Richard is on his knees repeating your name, concerned that you are having a medical emergency. Mrs. Carla is very upset. She is on the phone with a 911 operator, and she is crying because she thinks that you are dead. Down the line, they’ll tell you your episode had nothing to do with their decision to go in another direction, but you’ll know they stopped liking you the minute the blood drained from your face. And let’s be clear. It’s not just the fact that you fainted before you got to shake a hand. It’s also that when you finally opened your eyes, you flashed a disturbingly convincing smile and said nice to meet you while still laying down. Richard and Mrs. Carla were both saddened by your desperation. Know when to stop, they each thought to themselves. The point is, if it’s a high stakes situation, you may feel inclined to power through, but you can’t power through a bodily crisis, such as sudden loss of consciousness. So know your limits.
Submitting to Your Anxiety:
Here’s a plot twist for you: sometimes your anxiety is lowkey right. Not like in the case of the corporate interview, because that was irrational. But like when you suddenly feel throw uppy and want to go home while hanging out with a couple of really toxic people. Maybe you don’t even know they’re trying to steal your credit card information. But your subconscious noticed that the one guy stammered when he introduced himself, and that happened last time you were scammed by fellow university students. Are you catching my drift? Sometimes, your anxiety is lowkey right. And if it refuses to back down against your coping strategies, maybe there’s a reason, and you’re simply not aware of it. So think about it. Do you want to force yourself into an impossible situation, or do you want to shake Richard’s hand sitting down, explain that you are having a panic attack, and ask to reschedule? Maybe you want to go somewhere safe like your hotel room, swaddle yourself in the bedsheets, reflect on what triggered your body, and problem solve in a safe setting. Only then can you build a bridge and get over it. And it may feel bad, but in some cases, you have no choice. You might as well clear your schedule and recover.
Just to wrap up, I do want to remind you of the fact that this final advice is only appropriate in dire situations in which you have no ability to control yourself. If you can power through, then do it, bitch! But again, no one can power through a medical emergency so you might as well take the day off in that case. Thanks for making it to the end of the article, that’s so nice. Have a good day bye.